*Photo by Ben Weber on Unsplash
In one form or another, I see this question from parents a lot:
“Why does my child have to be so rude all the time?”
The assumptions about autistic adults when it comes to tone of voice doesn’t get any better either. In extreme cases, it can even result in the loss of a job.
There are a few assumptions neurotypical people have when it comes to tone of voice when anyone talks:
- Everyone who speaks or vocalizes is trying to “send a message” based on how their voice sounds. This includes timbre, pitch, loudness etc.
- Everyone who speaks or vocalizes can control their voice with ease – i.e., can change their timbre/pitch/loudness very easily.
- Everyone who speaks or vocalizes knows exactly what their voice is actually doing while they’re speaking (whether it “sounds defensive” or sounds loud or quiet, etc.).
I literally do not know what my “tone of voice” is doing when other people say I’m being defensive/argumentative/rude/etc.
Let me say that again:
I do not know what my “tone of voice” is doing when I talk.
I do not know how quiet I am talking (for other autistic people, how loud).
I do not know what signal I am sending with my “tone.”
I do not know what my “tone of voice” represents to neurotypical people.
I do not know what emotion or intention neurotypical people think I am sending to them.
I literally didn’t know what “tone of voice” meant until I was 17 years old. And I didn’t truly understand it until I found out I was autistic. I thought it meant “how loud you talk” and “how you structure sentences when you talk.” That’s it.
A Short Story
I once tried to mock a family member because I was so mad that they were telling me “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” I wasn’t trying to say anything mean, I was simply stating factual information. I knew when they said that phrase, it meant I couldn’t say anything because I would be interpreted as “rude.”
I tried to mock them by, from my standards, lilting my voice ridiculously, as if my vocal cords were on a roller coaster going really high to really low to really high again in pitch. I was trying to be condescendingly nice and therefore patronizing.
To my shock, their response was to be polite to me!!! Are you serious?! I felt like a clown with that much pitch change in my voice, but apparently it’s how I should be talking all the time! I can’t make sense of this, and it makes me wonder if I actually notice smaller changes in pitch in people’s voices compared to neurotypical people, which could be one explanation as to why our vocal range “sounds monotone” or less expressive to neurotypical people.
Societal Pressure and High Expectations
It doesn’t help that society puts on the layers of constraint if you’re an autistic person who’s raised as a girl and/or a person of color. The gendered notion that kids raised as girls must be polite at all times is absolutely infuriating, and I witnessed this double standard growing up with two older brothers. I’m sure it’s even more constricting for people of color raised as girls and women of color.
Knowing what my “tone of voice” sounds like to NTs emotionally is literally something I don’t have the ability to do. I’ve tried my whole life to figure out this “tone of voice” thing, and while I can somewhat figure out other people’s tone of voice and what they mean, I do not know what my tone of voice is doing at any moment in time.
Just today my husband had to warn me that I was speaking “defensively” to someone else and so I stopped talking for a few minutes. He wasn’t telling me to stop talking, he was just letting me know because I literally did not know how my voice sounded to that person. It sucks when you know you may be making someone feel a certain way without intending to, and not knowing how to fix it. Depending on the context, sometimes I will stop talking to kind of “reset” my voice, though honestly sometimes this doesn’t work and that’s just how my voice will sound for the rest of the night and I can’t do a thing about it. And I never really know which one will happen unless someone else tells me, because to me it all sounds the same.
Similarly, many of us autistic people may laugh nervously in stressful moments and will be seen as rude, when the laughter has nothing to do with the situation. Instead, it’s due to our own anxiety and stress of not knowing what to say or do. This makes neurotypical people think we are intentionally making fun of a sad or stressful event, or not taking them seriously, when the reason behind our laughter is the opposite of that assumption. We are trying to think of the “correct” neurotypical response to say, have a difficult time thinking of something, and so may laugh in the interim due to stress or confusion.
Neurotypicals Need to Learn to Empathize
Imagine being expected to figure out how a brick wall “feels.” That’s impossible, right? Well it’s the same way when NTs just assume that I am emitting some hidden message with how my voice sounds. I’m not! Listen to the words! I don’t have any “intention” or “emotion” behind my actual voice. I just want you to hear the words.
It is so hard to explain this to neurotypicals because this subconscious social processing is so automatic for them. They don’t even realize how they’re interpreting my tone. I could say the same exact thing as a neurotypical person does (in fact I have) and get chided for it for “arguing” when I was simply stating a fact.
Interpreting our “tone of voice” like a neurotypical person just doesn’t make sense. It’s like yelling at someone to stand up who literally can’t stand (which actually does happen unfortunately when it really shouldn’t, because ableism is everywhere). I really wish I didn’t have to use an analogy to a physical disability, but so many people do not see anything wrong with “disciplining” their autistic kid over “sounding rude,” when it’s literally punishing them for being disabled.
I’ve learned that I have to be very heavy-handed to get this message across to neurotypical people. It seems like a very hard concept to understand if you have the ability to modulate your tone of voice in the way you want. I guess it’s hard to imagine not having this extra layer of automatic processing occurring constantly in the background.
Please Learn This for Us
We’re not trying to sound X way or have Y intentions. We are just using our words. Focus on the words!
We don’t understand your neurotypical tone of voice rules and literally do not know what we sound like to you.
We don’t know.
Please sit with that. Think about not understanding tone of voice. Try to empathize with that.
Remember that neurotypical people make judgments and assumptions based on autistic people’s tone of voice. So basically, we’re constantly getting judged and told off for something we don’t/didn’t know about.
Imagine getting told off your whole life for doing nothing wrong.
Neurotypical people: When you feel yourself getting defensive about someone’s tone of voice, try to focus on the words if you can. When you know someone is autistic and you’re interacting with them, remember that many of us cannot modulate our tone of voice and are not trying to send you any social signals with our timbre or pitch. And remember, not everyone you interact with will be openly autistic or know they are autistic. Please, please learn this. Don’t rush to judgment and make assumptions – try to ask for clarification. Try to give them the benefit of the doubt. And try to recognize that some people you meet may not be sending any kind of signal with the tone of their voice.
Thank you for reading.
Autistic Science Person 
A great post that explains the subject so clearly. Thank you for sharing this post. My son and grandson are on the Autistic scale, ( formerly called Aspergers) my grandson in particular seems to have this problem.
❤👩🦰🧡🦊💛
LikeLiked by 3 people
Reblogged this on Disablities & Mental Health Issues.
LikeLiked by 3 people
I have for some time been paying more attention to what people with autism say about this so called ‘disability’ than to the specialists in this field. This does not in anyway undermines all what they have investigated and concluded.
But as time goes on I can see more and more people with autism, particularly those on the high functioning side of the spectrum, raising their voices trying to express how they feel in a world full of neurotypicals and explain how incapable we are to understand the real esence of them. They do this with such precision and in-depth clarity that my learning and appreciation for these special people have considerably improve. Yet, I can also see a wide horizon to learn beyond us. At least, apart from other important factors to be born in mind, I have progressed in this issue about the tone. Just concentrate in what they say, that is the words only. Forget about the tone they are said. For them tone is irrelevant. What they say is what they really mean and nothing else, regardles as to how loudly, slowly, quickly, or whatever interpretation we may imagine.
LikeLiked by 1 person
It is my humble opinion that choice of words – “So called” in reference to this ‘very real’ disability, undermines the intent of your post, Manuel. Which is quite unfortunate, as I believe you are attempting to empathise and support. May I suggest you edit, removing this phrase? Which serves no purpose, unless the intent was, in fact, to call into question the validity of the condition, from the perspective of ability/disability.
LikeLike
How I can relate. Interesting reading about autism as of late. The reason I mention is I have self diagnosed myself with autism after 38 years of being called rude and that I had behavior problems and mental issues. The way I see it. It almost feels like I am constantly being gaslighted. Due to people thinking I don’t agree with them or they think I am trying to prove myself right. Most times I just don’t know why they don’t see my point of view.
I really want to share a story of what happened today. Whether it has to due with my tone or not is unclear to me. When I write things down people seem to understand me better. (Oh, they still want to disagree even when I agree with their viewpoint.) It’s odd.
So the story.
I empty a half a can of corned beef hash into a pan. The can has 2 daily nutrition facts. 1 is for 8 oz portion the other is for the container. The can is 14 oz. I was told that I was eating what was equal to the 8 oz amount of cholesterol.
I said well just divide the container value in half that would be the more accurate amount. I was told no it almost 8 oz.
Then after I tried explaining. I was told I just want to be right and to just drop it and they didn’t want to argue. They then said my problem is I don’t understand what they were telling me. (Which I did because I already did the math when I opened the can.) Also that I just keep arguing until I’m right and won’t admit I’m wrong. Now you tell me who has a mental issue. If you ask me it has to be most NT’s. Thanks for your posts, Charles BTW sorry for the lengthy muddle. Especially since it wasn’t really on topic with your post. Hopefully I can write some articles that relate to the Neurotypical comprehension deficit.
On Sat, Jan 9, 2021, 1:22 AM Autistic Science Person wrote:
> Autistic Science Person posted: ” In one form or another, I see this > question from parents a lot: “Why does my child have to be so rude all the > time?” The assumptions about autistic adults when it comes to tone of voice > doesn’t get any better either. In extreme cases, it can even resu” >
LikeLiked by 3 people
Honestly, that sounds less like “NT person fails to interpret your tone of voice in line with your intentions” and more like “NT person is being dismissive and defensive in order to feel superior to you.” In particular, “You always want to be right” is virtually always projection in my experience. I think that would have happened with this person even if you had performed NT tone of voice flawlessly. Some people really don’t like to be disagreed with.
LikeLiked by 3 people
I agree. But I don’t understand it all
LikeLiked by 2 people
No, because this is a constant thing with many or even most people. It is very common that when we relay a specific experience, it is shrugged off as a one-off event with a mean person, yet if you were there you’d probably side with them, not us. Or if you did side with us, you could easily explain to them what’s going on and they would accept it. Or you might side partially with us and partially with them.
The particular story is about a mathematical error, and how the neurotypical, in failing the mathematical computation, also failed to see the correction. They likely would have understood the correction just fine if they had realized that is what it was.
I had a similar experience with someone trying to explain that I was putting a lid on wrong. This person was being very condescending because they thought I had dyslexia and was rotating the lid counter-clockwise because I didn’t know how to screw a lid on. I tried to explain to this numpty that you have to rotate the lid counter-clockwise to set the groove before you twist it clockwise to seal it, but he seemed more interested in his rank being higher than mine as well as his perception of his mental superiority over actually analyzing the situation with any sort of critical thinking skills. To this day, I often imagine him blundering through his life, stripping the threads on expensive caps and having no idea why they break so often, but I know in reality he probably screws them on just like I do, and his disability lies wholly in how he perceived my method versus his, not in his method itself.
LikeLike
Thank you for writing!
LikeLiked by 3 people
I’m not autistic but I also have no idea what my voice is doing 99.999% of the time. I hear other people LOUD (do not whisper around me, I’ll hear everything) but don’t hear my own voice. As a result, I think I’m matching voice level but I’m apparently SUPER loud, as every last human being feels compelled to tell me. Logically, I know they’re simply pointing out a fact. Emotionally, it always feels like “shut up. Your thoughts don’t matter.” Plus some people hear aggression where none is intended.
I currently have a sound meter bookmarked for purchase… hoping it will help me learn to modulate my volume.
I’m also vaguely looking for opps to use my natural volume to my advantage (public speaking, etc)
LikeLiked by 4 people
Im a NT parent with a autistic daughter. I love this so much I’ve share them on social media. That one nasty topic came up and these self-rightous moms who are ‘experts’ wanted to try invalid others life experiences. So I told them(NT) if you get into arguments with other AA because being straight to the point and blunt on a post is interpret as rude. Then you don’t understand AAchildren and (NT) traumatizing them bc you refuse to accept that you’re not right. *eye-roll*
Then post this article with the direct link.
Kuddos Autistic Science Person! You have one NT that understands ❤
LikeLiked by 3 people
I can so relate to this, being told time and again how loud I am, or people reading false rudeness into what I say. Would you chastise someone who is wheelchair bound for not being able to walk? Thank you so much for posting this!
LikeLiked by 3 people
just FYI, “wheelchair bound” is not a good term (it assumes that the wheelchair is someone restricting the person, when it actually allows them mobility). “Wheelchair user” or “person in a wheelchair” is more appropriate.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thanks 😊
LikeLiked by 2 people
Does this affect singing – is it what people call “tone deaf”?
Do Autistic people want their voices to sound expressive or to get what NTs are doing with their voices ? Would Drama classes help with this or would that be another nightmare to be in?
LikeLike
I know quite a few Autistic people with amazing singing voices.
Drama classes can help to a certain point, but they’re also exhausting. I found it helped with volume control, but the tone that is being discussed didn’t transfer to day-to-day life. On stage everything is exaggerated, you are also not being yourself. Its is also a safe and controlled setting.
Imagine this:
You’re acting out a particular role, you are already trying to get your volume right.
Is the line sad? How does someone sound when they are sad? Am I sounding sad or pathetic? Am I sad or is sounding like I’m whining? Oh wait I’m not speaking loud enough, let me try that again. Oh no that felt like i sounded bitter, try again. I think that sounded OK, everyone else seems to think so too. Now I’m happy and I’m supposed to be sad.
And repeat that for every line.
Trying to transfer that to every day conversation is equally if not harder.
1. You are expected to be able to instinctually
2. There is no cut and try again
3. Conversations, argument, discussions don’t follow a script.
4. Other people emotions get involved and they are just as hard to read or interpret as trying to regulate your tone.
LikeLike
thank you
LikeLiked by 3 people
That was SUPER educational; thanks for being so clear and straightforward, and also for repeating your main point several times, because otherwise I wouldn’t have gotten the full force of it.
Thanks.
LikeLiked by 3 people
I always have a hard time “getting along” with others, and always feel I’m at fault or there is something seriously wrong with me bc I’m the common denominator. I also almost always feel like I’m reading into responses wrong bc I took this as a sarcastic comment. Does anyone else feel this way ?
LikeLike
I can so relate to all of this. I’ve been getting in trouble my whole life trying to figure out how to speak. To function the way I do now required literally hundreds of hours of research on how to behave. It did not and do not come naturally for me. I’m not officially diagnosed but I can relate with all of this and I am exhausted
LikeLiked by 3 people
This post is very insightful
LikeLiked by 1 person
Reblogged this on On the Road Again.
LikeLike
thank you for writing this
LikeLike
I LOVE this, this was my whole life experience with my tone wrote up by someone else. My boyfriend and I constantly argue when I think I’m being perfectly calm. I feel calm and he says I started it as I was not calm and I cannot get him to understand that I don’t know how to be any calmer and it feels to me like he started it but of course he swears I did because I cannot have a calm conversation with him. It’s extremely frustrating.
LikeLiked by 1 person
My asd partner, who i love, is causing me a lot of anxiety, hurt, trauma, ptsd and also is putting his hands on me in anger. He says it’s my fault for causing him to feel frustrated. His tone of voice is causing me to feel like jumping out of a window. He yells in my ears because he’s angry when i ask him to please lower his voice. In fact only his opinion counts. Maybe it works for some but it’s not working for us.
LikeLike
That’s abuse. Autism isn’t part of the equation. I hope you are able to get out safely and get support.
LikeLike
I came across your post while googling ‘power ploys’. I can be having fun with my son, as per yesterday, using echoism (lines from a film), in this case, Nuckles McGinty from Paddington 2 (no reason behind it – the words themselves just suited). I was telling him how he never rushes, and that’s why we were late, and then corrected myself that actually I was to blame too, and the words from Paddington came into my mind. Nuckles says: ‘I don’t do nothin for noone for nothin’, so I changed them to ‘we don’t rush for noone or nottin’, which my son immediately recognised, and added ‘Thats our motto’. He dared me to write this into the school screen. I accepted the challenge. This was all good-natured fun. It was making him smile. We were happy. It made me smile all day, afterwards. Then, at school collection time, the head teacher walked directly at me as I was standing outside, with her wearing very brightly colored blouse. I couldn’t work out if she wanted to talk to me, or was going to walk past. Perhaps I would put it down to chance, but school always perform these power ploys in response to me. I find it a killjoy. Everything is interpreted through a lense of social hierarchy and interpreted as others trying to assert themselves in terms of dominance; they can never be relaxed enough to just enjoy something outside of that, that which (by the way) is basically invisible to me. And it doesn’t matter how many times or in what way you articulate that, they will never ‘get it’.
Regarding the tone thing, as it happens, my son’s teacher speaks in this pitch of voice that is actually painful to me, and I will physically recoil. It’s this sickly, fast paced, crazed social act. So when you speak of how your over the top exaggerated tone was actually more acceptable to a Neurotypical, it doesn’t surprise me. For us Autists with higher intellect, and no learning difficulty, Neurotypicals have a smaller cognitive bubble and are cognitively shorter sighted; they are egocentric, and their behaviour reflects that; it’s all ‘me’, ‘from my perspective’ but not with the awareness that it’s from their perspective. It’s always from their perspective as though it were the only existing truth. I have been reading ‘How to Handle Neurotypicals’ by Abel Ableson. All that social BS!! The tones acceptable to them sound fake Toni’s because the whole social system construct that is so important to them is fake! They use each other, lie to each other; they use words to deceive, and their words are at odds with their actions; they do not use words to exchange real insight, novel ideas and factual information. Their words all have some “message” as you rightly state. they are always making some sort of stance, in an articulate way, not using language in a way that best articulates what they are trying to say, instead making their voice do ridiculously extreme things. That’s the easiest route for them. Because they have poor vocabulary, and are adept in all these pointless social games.
The irony is, these staff members I mentioned work with Autistic children and families. I have written by email that I think Autistic adults should work with Autistic children, and that you wouldn’t have muggles teaching at Hogwarts, which is actually my son’s line, in relation to home-school communication difficulties.
The barrier between Allist and Autist is often too great. Sometimes, it is manageable. One of my Aunties does highly exaggerated tone of voice and body language stuff, saying the opposite of what she means and things like that, waiting for intended effect, of which there isn’t, with me. (I really don’t like it, I don’t find it ingratiating). However, she is dutiful, supportive, consistent, and family-orientated, and so I like her.
LikeLike
I have autism too. I have issues with nonverbal communication too. This is thing like tone, facial expression and body language. It is nice to know that I am not alone. I have noticed a weird quirk. I have a high tolerance for people that talk funny on YouTube. I just don’t have a problem with that kind of thing. I don’t even notice it. I only have a problem if the speaker has a really, and I mean REALLY, thick accent. Such problems are very rare though. Someone else I know gets irritated when YouTubers talk funny. She is neurotypical. I am wondering if I am a bad person for tolerating or even enjoying video with funny talking. I don’t know. Could there be a benefit to having better access to content all over the world? I did have a major example today. I watched a video about the Weimar Republic. It was an educational video about history. The Weimar Republic was the brief democratic regime in Germany between the two world wars. A lot of bad stuff went down. Then that led to the disaster that was Germany in WWII. This disaster is notorious.The video was amazing. I found the bad stuff shocking and even horrifying. Yet I think this was fascinating and important in don’t-repeat-this-history kind of way. I got all excited. Then the neurotypical person said the video was bad because the speaking was in monotone. She didn’t understand anything. That is a totally different reaction. I felt like a weirdo. Is it bad to enjoy a video despite the monotone. I just focus on the words being said along with the black and white footage. I can understand if someone didn’t like the video because they weren’t interested in history or they couldn’t handle the horrifying parts. However disliking a video due to it being monotone is so weird. It even comes across as nitpicky. I hate people being nitpicky. I think that only big problems should be addresses. For all little things, just let it go.
LikeLike